Derelicts 37  Farnham L’Escargot 0

“Before the beginning of great brilliance, there must be chaos. Before a brilliant person begins something great, they must look foolish in the crowd.” anon

Standing in the changing room, substantial, ill-defined, near naked and declaring “WOOHOOOO… check… those… lucky… red… love pants”, I detected a certain tight-chested unease among some of the chaps. It’s a state of anxiety I’m sure they usually reserve for when the peculiar man on the bus in the stained Rupert The Bear jumper announces to the top deck that he “just wants a cuddle”.

These crimson trunks, bearing hearts and kisses, were a Valentine’s gift from the fragrant Mrs Mozza. They were donned during a clean laundry famine as a last resort a few weeks back before we went on to “tw*t The Scum” in the cup.

So it seemed natural not to rock the boat, f*ck with the karma or whatever. So I wore them again thinking “WHAAHAAYY… crazy… undercracker… time!” But I could tell by the look on Secret Agent Percy’s face that he was sort of in two minds whether to laugh heartily or call for back-up. Skip simply looked appalled.

Anyway, if Reigate Mikey can shovel himself into the blue latex all-in-one to keep out the chill, I’ll be wearing the lucky love pants again.

And clearly they brought us more luck.

We shuffled the side a bit, but for the second week running seemed to clicked and played some smart rugby. We were 17-0 up within 10 minutes, The L’Escargot boys playing the sort of sleepy old vets role with which we’re all too familiar. By the time they’d woken up we were well on top.

Spending, as I do, much of the game with my head stuck in the front row (or as Punchy Mr Oddjob tells me “stuck up yer *rse”) I can’t give a blow by blow account of the performance.

So you’ll have to take it on trust that we were in control from start to finish, the front five giving the back row an armchair ride, and we scored seven tries and one conversion.

We had the standard pushover try from the pack (third in successive games) which I think Hairnet claimed, followed by a textbook peel off the rolling maul for another try and then Botty capitalised on several phases to dive magnificently over in the corner.

We also had the glorious sight of Botty and Punchy Mr Oddjob playing the “I’m passing to me mate” game which resulted in Botty racing in for his second after a pass from The Punchy One with The Count running alongside in eager support with as much chance of getting a piece of the action as a leper at an orgy.

I seem to recall Lord Greed twisting and extending in an unfeasibly greedy manner to touch down out of the tackle and Secret Agent Percy capping a fine day with the best of the lot. Playing a blinder at No10, old Perce spots the gap, clamps the flashing light to the roof and motors through the traffic before chipping the full back and giving hot pursuit to the line where he dribbles over to apprehend the ball for a wonderful score. Best yet this season, better even than that miserable sod of a fullback Victor The Grumpy Vet.

There was another score by Lord Greed and a superb conversion from hissy old TumTum “Use me or lose me” Bushe (now appropriately re-labelled Tantrumtrum) who might have had a few more had not every kick been long range and into the wind. And Kinger, in rampant form, the Percy Montgomery mane in full flow, looked good for another, taking a pass from Botty at full throttle with the line looming only to hear the sound of pianowire twanging and pots and pans falling down a flight of stairs. And the tutting of teammates as the ball spilled. “B*llocks, it’s me hamstring,” he lamented. “Hamfisted more like,” bellowed Wolfie, feeling unexpectedly tickled knowing that the big lummox would not be able to chase him upfield to attempt to administer the superwedgie.

Otherwise, it was all familiar. Scud naturally failed to hit any of his line-out jumpers with his p*ss-poor arrows but he redeemed himself in the scrum, taking several against the head. Steely the bald Fishman got his first touch of the ball in open play since 2005 and Ludders danced down the wing like a butterfly.  It was good to have Jonah back on the pitch too while Dave Light was a trouper for loaning himself to depleted Farnham.

Sadly though, I have to report that The Juggler did drop his first pass of the season which left no choice but to despatch him to the oppo for the second half to teach him a lesson. Will the boy never learn.

Squad: Mozza, Scud, Oddjob, Kinger, Skip, Jonah, The Count, Botty, Hairnet, Reigate Mike, Lord Percy, Tantrumtrum, Lord Greed, Ludders, Iain The Fish, The Juggler, Delight.

NEXT: 21. Digging For Victory With Punchy Mr Oddjob   Previous: 19. It’s Behind You!